Yo, ya’ll like buying wine the same price as a pack of hot dog buns, but also getting hot dog buns to go with wine for like $9. Yeah I’m talking about the grocery store Ralphs in the greater Southern California area. The deals is lying around like a bunch of croissants someone dropped that nobody cleaned up. Straight floor croissant type deals. Damn, they’re basically paying me to go up in this bitch and snatch up feast making ingreeds. Nah but for real, you do have to pay for things that you buy so bring money.
Look, I’m all about taking out and eating out ;) bomb ass feasts, but sometimes you gotta throw on something that can cook in a pot while you peep a Fast and Furious flick (ya’ll know I’m talking about Tokyo Drift). Your boy is all about whipping up a proper ass meal. Not to brag, but I’m a damn artist when it comes to that whip game. My canvas is the stove, paint is the ingreeds, and that fine dime slam piece of a muse is Ralphs. Mmmmmm time to get up in that bitch like a slip n slide. Better bring my damn swim trunks.
A mad house. Whips is going in and out like a damn grand prix. If you or someone you know is an old person or somebody’s fragile wife, this ain’t the place for you or them. Ralphs is for able bodied adults between the age of 18 and 34, preferably men. Inside is straight craziness. It’s like a bar brawl broke out not too far away and the bouncers were like “you settle this at a more suitable location” and they herded them to fucking Ralphs to duke it out. How this place doesn’t burn to the ground every night is beyond me. It’s gotta be that thick structure keeping it together. Ralphs looks like a soviet supermarket made less sad. Ha! This place is one step away from madness, shit is gorgeous.
It’s been a hot min since I re-uped on ingreeds. You know all I need is 24 eggs, like a sack of potatoes, bread, a block of cheddar cheese, 48 links of turkey sausage and whatever I’m whipping up for dinner. That’s right ya’ll breakfast is like 75% of my daily intake. Breakfast for lunch, second lunch, pre-dinner and of course for breakfast is breakfast. Might as well open up a diner with all the breakfast food getting whipped up. Nah, that’s all me. Then it’s time for the ingreeds for dinner. Look, there’s only three things I know how to cook real well other than breakfast. Pasta, Steak and Caesar salad. Without fail, it always takes me an hour to realize this. What can I say Ralphs got me feeling like a fake ass Marion Bartoli with all their fresh ingreeds #OliveGarden’sSchoolofTuscany. One of these days I’ll make like a soup or whatever. But yeah, pasta it is. Done. I hit up that wine select and cop a nice red. That Gallo Family. Gallo Family for life ya’ll. Grape juice with hints of rubbing alcohol, what am I in damn wine country now?????
I don’t even want to know the shit these cashiers have seen over the years. For real they got PTSD from all the deal crazed haze of shopping going down. Good thing their body is pumped full of NoDoz and penicillin to distract them. The NoDoz to keep them awake, the penicillin to ward off brain scrambling after decades of cashier inbreeding. That NoDoz Penicillin eight ball got that cash counting hand going strong while keeping the bad thoughts away. This place is wild ya’ll!
The highlight of any Ralphs trip is dropping that rewards card after all those ingreeds have been swiped. Mmmmm, I go to Ralphs sometimes just to hear that lady robot voice say, “welcome valued customer”. The sexiest words any woman’s ever told me.
I’m back at the crib whipping up pasta, sipping on some Gallo Family and got that Tokyo Drift on blast. Wow, life is great and I’m glad I will have a very long life span.