Yo, ya’ll ever wake up on a pile of trash in the employees only section of a shoe store and instead of leaving just stuck it out for like a month and a half and even after that came back occasionally cause it’s the only real home you’ve ever felt. I did. Yeah I’m talking about living out of Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse and surviving off Kit Kats and Diet Pepsi. Ya boy getting feeeeddddddd.
Look, Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse is basically a swap meet with a roof over it lit like a damn football stadium. You got hood rats cutting it up for 12 hours over some busted ass open toed shoes. Shits crazy. You learn quickly if you’re going to live in the employees only section of Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse you better do werk, those kit kats and Diet Pepsi ain’t come free. That’s right ya’ll I lucked up on a job at Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse just by being a vagrant, ha!
This ain’t no regular job though like a cashier or that person that unlocks the bathroom door. Nah, all those positions were filled so they were like “Brad, these hoodrats is like a tornado come through, we need you to tell them when to get the fuck out”. That’s right, I’m a hoodrat wrangler. Should of brought my Shepard stick to lead these sheep ass hoodrats out to pasture. I learned quickly that hoodrat wrangling can wear on you quick. Emotional stress, physical stress and needing to snap a pic of that fatty. It ain’t no surprise that Off Broadway Shoe Warehouse got that muzak playlist on lock for hot jams. This my favorite joints I can’t get enough of while hoodrat wrangling. That’s right ya’ll I’m on that Buzzfeed list type shit.
Chris Brown – Don’t Wake Me Up
What the deal is: Look, Chris Brown is a hard knock nigga. You could pick a line in any of his songs and end it with “or bitch Imma kill you” and it would sound just right. This song is no exception. It’s also perfect to wake up from a pile of trash to.
Favorite line: “Too much light in this window, don’t wake me up/Only coffee no sugar, inside my cup (or bitch Imma kill you)”.
Miley – Wrecking Ball
What the deal is: If you ain’t on your feet from that trash bed, this is the joint to do it. This is a hoodrat anthem. This bitch is like, “yeah, I know it’s my fault, but actually it’s kind of your fault too or whatever. Sorry I’m not sorry, deuces. (that emoji that’s like, I’m over it)”.
Favorite line: “I never meant to start a war/I just wanted you to let me in” The battle cry of every hoodrat. This is like that txt some old bitch send you who’s real drunk and doesn’t know how to write poetry, but also wants to give you a weird hand job.
Chris Wallace – Keep Me Crazy
What the deal is: Every now and then this hoodrat kingdom has to remind itself that men are present, either buying shoes or trying to start a fight club in the bathroom. Ha, we all been there ya’ll. I’ve never heard of this dude and there’s probably a good reason for that.
Favorite line: “Sunday dinner with a bottle of jack/Drive around town, like a heart attack/baby you’re a mess, but it’s meant to be/cause you keep me crazy” no bitch you actually crazy, but those weird hand jobs is alright. To drive around like a heart attack is not logicallistically possible but it’s a metaphor or whatever.
Daughtry – Waiting for Superman
What’s the deal: It’s that time in your shift as a hoodrat wrangler when you’re like, I got my GED for this. And then this joint comes on. This is the tale of a girl who doesn’t know how to help herself so she needs a man to help her solve all her problems. Yeah, as it should be! Not just any man, Superman ya’ll. And that’s what a hoodrat wrangler is. Buy them wedges or get the fuck out!!!!!
Favorite line: “She’s talking to angels, counting the stars/Making a wish on a passing car/She’s dancing with strangers, falling apart/waiting for Superman to pick her up.” This bitch needs to either go to a hospital or get fucked.
Demi Lovato – Heart Attack
What’s the deal: This for all them hoodrats whose Molly is still working. Damn, there’s a lot of heart attack imagery up in this piece.
Favorite line: “But you make me wanna act like a girl/paint my nails and wear perfume”. Bitch, you don’t do that already :/
Carrie Underwood – Two Black Cadillacs
What’s the deal: This bitch got cheated on a lot and only makes songs about that. Usually I’d be like whatever chill girl, but this is secretly a warning for all men. Don’t love these hoes, but especially don’t let them know where your funeral is going to be held.
Favorite line: “Two black cadillacs driving in a slow parade/Headlights shining bright in the middle of the day/One is for his wife/The other for the woman who loved him at night”. Aw shit.
Cher Lloyd – Oath
What’s the deal: You know that bitch in middle school you promised you’d be friends forever with. She made a song about that and is still not dead.
Favorite line: “I know I call you lazy, and that’s most times/But you complete me, and that’s no lie/You are my tuxedo, and I’m your bow tie”. I know we don’t have common interests or whatever but thanks for always hearing my problems.
Imagine Dragons – Radioactive
What’s the deal: Oh damn, this the type of joint you hear on a TV screen at Best Buy. You just came back from your break, chugging a bottle of Arizona Green Tea outside of a 7-eleven and you ready to put these hoodrats in line. When this joint comes on I feel like I’m about to get on a rocket ship. Should of brought my damn space suit to this muhghhh.
Favorite line: “I raise my flags, dye my clothes/It’s a revolution, I suppose/We’ll paint it red to fit right in/whoa”. I don’t know what the fuck that means, but cool.
Taylor Swift – 22
What’s the deal: This that drunk bitch at the bar making wild ass statements like “you never card someone who’s already inside” or “I’m turning 22!” and then makes a song about it.
Favorite line: “It seems like one of those nights/ This place is too crowded, too many cool kids”. Then take your Pimm’s and get the fuck out.
Pink – True Love
What’s the deal: Your shift is almost up and you can already taste that Kit Kat and Diet Pepsi feast, just four more hours. You ask yourself some real ass questions. What am I doing here? What’s my purpose in life? Why do I sleep on a trash bed and get compensated in Kit Kats and Diet Pepsi? This hoodrat saint puts it all in perspective for you. At the end of the day aren’t we all just sleeping on a trash bed and getting compensated in Kit Kats and Diet Pepsi.
Favorite line: “Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say/Sometimes I wanna slap you in your whole face/There’s no one quite like you/You push all my buttons down/I know life would suck without you”. Hoodrat poetry.
That chocolate and high fructose corn syrup is doing what it’s supposed to do and got me real sleepy. Time to have some vivid ass night terrors. Deuces ya’ll.