Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

17

Mar

image

Yo, ya’ll like buying wine the same price as a pack of hot dog buns, but also getting hot dog buns to go with wine for like $9. Yeah I’m talking about the grocery store Ralphs in the greater Southern California area. The deals is lying around like a bunch of croissants someone dropped that nobody cleaned up. Straight floor croissant type deals. Damn, they’re basically paying me to go up in this bitch and snatch up feast making ingreeds.  Nah but for real, you do have to pay for things that you buy so bring money.

image

Look, I’m all about taking out and eating out ;) bomb ass feasts, but sometimes you gotta throw on something that can cook in a pot while you peep a Fast and Furious flick (ya’ll know I’m talking about Tokyo Drift). Your boy is all about whipping up a proper ass meal.  Not to brag, but I’m a damn artist when it comes to that whip game. My canvas is the stove, paint is the ingreeds, and that fine dime slam piece of a muse is Ralphs. Mmmmmm time to get up in that bitch like a slip n slide. Better bring my damn swim trunks.

image

Decor

A mad house. Whips is going in and out like a damn grand prix. If you or someone you know is an old person or somebody’s fragile wife, this ain’t the place for you or them. Ralphs is for able bodied adults between the age of 18 and 34, preferably men. Inside is straight craziness. It’s like a bar brawl broke out not too far away and the bouncers were like “you settle this at a more suitable location” and they herded them to fucking Ralphs to duke it out. How this place doesn’t burn to the ground every night is beyond me. It’s gotta be that thick structure keeping it together. Ralphs looks like a soviet supermarket made less sad. Ha! This place is one step away from madness, shit is gorgeous.    

image

Ingreeds

It’s been a hot min since I re-uped on ingreeds. You know all I need is 24 eggs, like a sack of potatoes, bread, a block of cheddar cheese, 48 links of turkey sausage and whatever I’m whipping up for dinner. That’s right ya’ll breakfast is like 75% of my daily intake. Breakfast for lunch, second lunch, pre-dinner and of course for breakfast is breakfast. Might as well open up a diner with all the breakfast food getting whipped up. Nah, that’s all me. Then it’s time for the ingreeds for dinner. Look, there’s only three things I know how to cook real well other than breakfast. Pasta, Steak and Caesar salad. Without fail, it always takes me an hour to realize this. What can I say Ralphs got me feeling like a fake ass Marion Bartoli with all their fresh ingreeds #OliveGarden’sSchoolofTuscany. One of these days I’ll make like a soup or whatever. But yeah, pasta it is. Done. I hit up that wine select and cop a nice red. That Gallo Family. Gallo Family for life ya’ll. Grape juice with hints of rubbing alcohol, what am I in damn wine country now?????          

image

Service

I don’t even want to know the shit these cashiers have seen over the years. For real they got PTSD from all the deal crazed haze of shopping going down. Good thing their body is pumped full of NoDoz and penicillin to distract them. The NoDoz to keep them awake, the penicillin to ward off brain scrambling after decades of cashier inbreeding. That NoDoz Penicillin eight ball got that cash counting hand going strong while keeping the bad thoughts away. This place is wild ya’ll!

image

Foreplay  

The highlight of any Ralphs trip is dropping that rewards card after all those ingreeds have been swiped. Mmmmm, I go to Ralphs sometimes just to hear that lady robot voice say, “welcome valued customer”. The sexiest words any woman’s ever told me.    

image

Feast        

I’m back at the crib whipping up pasta, sipping on some Gallo Family and got that Tokyo Drift on blast. Wow, life is great and I’m glad I will have a very long life span. 

image

18

Feb

Prez Day (Second Valentime’s Day)

image

Damn ya’ll, love is like some wild ass dream. You’re like, I want to have that dream again, can’t believe I was on that mountain…doing that cool thing. McDonald’s 10 piece nugget combo is a lot like true ass love. It’s only right to share that with ya girl for second dinner on second Valentime’s Day. Yeah, I’m talking about stroking a nugg and feeling on that dunk on Prez Day. Look, I’ve been wining and dining fine dime slam pieces since I was a lil nugget myself. Yeah, taking bitches to see 27 Dresses, AT NIGHT. I also know how to get deals. If you want to avoid expensive ass restaurants and flowers that are more than $10, Prez Day is the day to celebrate true ass love. Straight up, the stars aligned  this year and President’s Day came three days after V-Day, just long enough for your girl to be not that angry that you’re celebrating V-Day three days after V-Day. 

image

On V-Day for real I strolled into the crib, my babygirl was like “where’s my flowers and candy, did you get a reservation for that half expensive restaurant I wanted to go to!?!?”. I’m like, “How long have you been in this parking garage waiting for me to get home…? and no we watching a CBS sitcom and ending this night in a few minutes of missionary.” Her mind was like “you a roller rinking, cheap skate ass nigga” but her body was like “the deals that will be had by celebrating our true ass love on Prez Day got my pussy soaking”. Ha, yeah that’s what I thought girl. We shared some laughs to a CBS sitcom and gave each other handys into the wee hours of 11:15pm. V-Day for real success.

image

So look, this is what I had planned for Prez Day, AKA second Valentime’s Day. Hit that matinee of The Lego Movie followed by brunch for dinner that has eggs for like $7, end the night with nuggs for second dinner and some passionate hate sex. Leggoooo (see what I did there ;) ) I woke up on Prez Day at 7:45am and was like “babygirl you better get up, we gotta catch a 2 hour bus ride to that cinema  where my boy Kevin works only on Mondays and Thursdays to see if he can get us in for free”. She was like “why don’t we take the car”. I was like “You know that gas money is going to that $7 egg brunch, chill”. That 2 hour bus ride was like dipping through the canals of Venice. Holding hands, only slightly obscured scenic views, and hobos spitting straight poetry to my babygirl like “you look delicious”. You couldn’t pay for an experience like that. But if you did, it would be $1.50.

image

We got to that theater, my boy Kevin at the box office offering tickets like burgers straight off the George Foreman, and I’m talking about the real George Foreman…not the indoor grilling system…you know his body.

“Yo dog I want to get in to that Lego Movie for 2 for free.”

“The best I can do is a children’s ticket for $5.”

“Make it rain Kev.”

Tickets $10, a small popcorn for like $3.50 and a pack of goobers I left in my back pocket, for FREE. Yeah, that shit had melted, but you know what didn’t melt, making FUCKING deals. We laughed, cried and savored that popcorn cause we used up the re-fill during the previews.  Yo, go see that Lego Movie. I’m not even going tell you how good it is, cause it’s that damn good.

image

No time to enjoy the visually appealing credits, we gotta catch a 37 minute bus ride to get those $7 eggs. Deuces Kev, you a deal saving warrior who I’d follow straight to hell. Overpriced hell. Yo, I splurged on my girl for brunch. $7 eggs, extra sides of sausage and coffee you pay for. We was balling out like some spoiled ass débutantes. For a moment she forgot we were celebrating V-Day on Prez Day. Don’t get it twisted ya’ll if The Lego Movie was the meat and cheese plate of this date we call Prez Day, and brunch is that warm appetizer then that main course is 10 piece nuggs at 1133 North La Brea Ave.

image

Décor

Yo, you strole up to this place and that hamburger boy or whatever it is, straight beaming like it should be on the Vegas strip. If you’re lucky enough to go inside and it’s not drive-thru only for people half drunk driving wanting nuggs, shit is gorgeous. It’s like you’re at a Brazilian themed night club with the lights up, after they cleaned up all the spilt Goose and bodily fluids. Pastel colored walls, glassed ceilings even foliage ya’ll. Should of brought a machete to this bitch, didn’t know this nugg run was going to turn into some Amazonian adventure type shit.

image

Service   

These McDonalds peeps is on that serious grind. They got four dudes and an old frail Mexican woman working straight 36 hours. And they don’t leave till all of them pass out. For real, someone will have to take these peeps out on a stretcher to keep them from handing out tasty ass meals. On some Gladiator starring Russell Crowe type shit.  Keep up the good work.

image

Feast

Ain’t  no foreplay for this shit ya’ll. My babygirl and me ain’t even home and we snatching up fries and licking on nuggs before we even back at the crib. We got just enough left to feast through a CBS sitcom. Yeah, straight 22 minutes plus commercials. I’m knocking back nuggs and pouring my babygirl and me a half drank bottle of Moscato just like she like. This bound to end in a few minutes of missionary. Happy Prez Day ya’ll. Deuces.

image

        

25

Jan

image

Ya’ll ever dipped through an In-n-Out drive-through in a Zipcar celebrating passing your AIDs test. I did. Yeah ya’ll, I’m talking about feasting on some animal style fries while being STD free.  Look, its been a hot minute since I’ve put fine dime piece type meals on blast. I’ve been on that grind one hunnett. 24/7 plus over time. Going into next week while it’s still this week. You can’t even calculate that shit!? I’m so hard on that hustle I forget what a bed looks like. I might have to change the name of this bitch to Brad in the Street. Nah, I won’t because that doesn’t half rhyme.

image

So here’s the damn deal. I don’t have a car and this swole ass jungle jim swing set I call calves, can only take me so far. I ain’t trying to run a damn marathon to hit up Office Max. But like also, what if I need a car for only an hour and forty five minutes. Oh ok, that’s what this Zipcar service is all about. Zipcar is like that nice ass cousin you hit up before a job interview to ask for a ride. He’s like nah dog, just borrow my Toyota Corolla, remember to put gas in it though.  I’m putting this shit to the test, cause im Zipcarring a Honda Insight to the results of my free AIDs test at the Hollywood Wilshire Health Center.

image

Hollywood Wilshire Health Center

Straight up ya’ll, this place looks like a post-zombie apocalypse fortress, shit is pristine. I should of brought some ladders cause im about to traverse some moats with alligators. Nah, its just got a 10 foot gate. Cool. I slid right in and wandered  around till I found where I went the first time, that’s right straight Christopher Columbus.

image

The STD center of the Hollywood Wilshire Health Center, it’s like this VIP library study area that time forgot. Wow, seems like just last week I was about to give a urine and blood sample, then couldn’t go so I told the nurse that I had to give blood first then afterwards just  drank tons of water and waited for it to be ready to leave my body. Memories.

I asked the front desk bravely for my results and by that I mean I stood awkwardly till the woman said, have you been here before.

“Yo, I’m here to get my results, I want to know or not if this is going to be a Philadelphia Story”

image

She looked up my results, didn’t even hand me a printed sheet, but awkwardly listed off my negative results out loud in front of me. Yeah, she did a roll call, and all them lames was absent. I was ecstatic. I hoped into that Honda Insight disease free and ready to get my munch on. You’ll never believe this but guess what was in the damn cup holster. Beyonce’s 2013 album, Beyonce. I must have been gripping the wheel so tight on the way over I didn’t even see these amenities. I had to call up my damn man Kevin.

image

“yo,”

“what up?”

“I’m in a Zipcar Honda Insight and Beyonce’s album Beyonce is in the cupholder”

”Put that in the damn cd drive and don’t take it out. It’s the most sexual thing since Adam and Eve broke the hell out of Eden”

“ha, do all Zipcars come with the last new beyonce album?”

“No but it should. You one blessed ass fool”

“Deuces Kev.”

There’s only one thing that can satisfy my famished diseased free body and that’s In-n-Out. Yo, if you looking to feast and maybe even teeny bop on some skeezo, this the place for you.

image

Décor

If you go inside, it’s a damn mad house. They throwing up bills like they was on a wall street trading floor type auction for hamburgs. But don’t think for a second they ain’t equipped for these riot type situations. Thousand island dressing ain’t the only thing they keep under the counter. Yeah, they straight up got bull whips and revolvers. Somebody start something for real holes is getting put in dudes. This teeny boppin hamburg joint ain’t playin. Thank god for the drive thru.

image

Service

Should of brought my stopwatch though cause they breaking all types of Olympic records with this service. For real though, these fools is the descendants of sweatshop workers. Straight up ya’ll, they stole the DNA patterns of them iphone factory workers in China and been cloning these nuggets somewhere out in a desert in a compound with no windows. Yeah, these kids is bred just to serve you teeny boppin meals then put down, you know when they start reflecting on their life’s purpose or that spatula flipping hand just ain’t do work.

image

Foreplay

Mmm, I’m bumping Beyonce’s album Beyonce while that hamburg and fries is posted up riding shot gun. Yeah, I’m taking a fry or two ;) maybe a sip of dat milkshake :-o damn, I’m close to calling up the homies and putting them on. Ha! Nah, this ain’t no double date type scenario. Hope this hamburg and fries brought its wet suite, cause surfs up #surfboard.

image

Feast

I did that In-n-Out real proper. We took our time like some disease free teenagers, you know letting you put the head in for like a hot minute. Something real tender. I got that Beyonce on, the album AND the singer. Damn ya’ll, I’m in bed, drunk in love.   

image

08

Jan

#PrettyWoman

image

I’m gonna be real ya’ll there ain’t much cheese in this blogging biz. But yo, eating tasty ass meals and putting it on blast over the blogosphere for you to read at your job gives your boy a warm feeling. Damn, I’m getting sentimental and shit :’) Let’s get real though, having an irregularly high body temperature doesn’t pay the bills (if you don’t have a blog and share those symptoms, go to a hospital that shit ain’t regular).

So I went to the only respectable place to make a quick buck. That’s right, hitting up my boy Craig at Craigslist. Shutting it down daily with mad practical services. Look, I don’t have many talents other than twisting out gourmet birds and a respectable body mass index. Oh alright, better sell my svelt ass figure for some cash.

image

 Look ya’ll, I got a woman, and babygirl would not be coo with my hands on the wheel of anything other than that tight Ferrari frame of hers, yeah motherfuckin suicide doors up while stuntin on that formula 1 track. That’s why I posed as some kept man yuppie type on Craigslist. No kissing on the mouth or insertion #PrettyWoman.

image

 Yeah, that was my first post. Not surprisingly no one responded. You gotta keep that shit concise. Like this gem:

image

Gold. Some dude is probably on his way right now to get his load throated, still wondering if pussy sucking is on the menu as well. So I kept it concise ya’ll: 

image

That did the trick. Some freak responded: 

image

She must of unwrapped some Bazooka Joes cause this chicken heads got jokes. Maybe it’s time to get weird:

image

 image

No response to this: 

image

Ugh, not the good weird. Alright, It’s time to really step it up. Time to employ some straight mastermind type shit ya’ll: 

image

That’s right, I posed as some freak who wants that D and wouldn’t mind going see Frozen at some point. Yeah, and once I got some responses I would tell them the deal for real. Oh and I got them responses:

image

This guy just really wants to see Frozen. Ha me too. 

image

Thanks dog ;)

image

I know, Disney is killing it with this one.

image

Damn, even his boy (who’s going with us) is getting on that dick WITH ME. 

image

Call me old fashioned, but send them showtimes. 

image

Yes…

image

I don’t know, let’s just see where things go. 

Man, they couldn’t even wait for that DVD release:

image

 I think I know where this is going.

image

Oh damn, talking unofficial screener ya’ll. 

And then there was this guy: 

image

Sorry :(

Hey, this happens to everybody, you fill out the seeking portion and you think “a man and a woman” doesn’t mean couple, but it does. Yeah, I got a bunch of responses from freak couples looking to ménage:

image

Didn’t know I was reading these freaks memoirs yo.

image

  Forget Frozen, let’s go to Disneyland!

image

It’s like prom night all over again. 

image

Throwing up walls already, how do you expect this friendship to blossom into a ménage.

image

Weird.

image

Cool story.

Maybe even get busy while watching Frozen:

image

Sounds like you guys just need some friends. Maybe hit up that freak couple who just wants to take it slow. 

image

Getting busy at the damn movie theater, row freak.

Then you had those cool types:

image

 image

What…

Uh oh, time to break the news:

image

Like Pokemon type shit?

image

You thought wrong Fox Email

image

Yeah, that’s what I said

image

I want that screener yo 

Yeah, looks like I gotta keep on that grind. This the type of work I’m trying to avoid getting in bed for. 

01

Jan

St. Anne’s Catholic Community Church

image

Damn, didn’t know I was at Six Flags, cause I’ve been on some roller coaster rides this year. For real though, 2013 was like that crazy ass uncle you took out for a nice lunch at one of those cafes with fancy croissants and you end up at a gun range shooting tech 9s taking swigs of Bacardi 151 #straightfire. Real talk ya’ll, I’ve found true ass love, but also wilded out on some skeezos. Dropped fat stacks, but also known when to pay my damn debit card. Eaten some thick ass birds in bed, but also some tasty ass Caesar salads, you know with that cheese you gotta grate to put on top. Basically, I’ve done some dirt and it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t get in some church, you know ask for forgiveness and shit.

image

Look ya’ll, personally I believe that when we die we take the form of translucent orbs traversing through an infinite space and time, but yo Jesus Christ helps me sleep at night. Yo, if Jesus had to be in a movie it would be an action movie, yeah on some Dark Knight shit. Jesus Christ playing Christian Bale playing Bruce Wayne PLAYING Batman. Damn, I’d go see that. No disrespect, but all other religious prophets are on some Romcom shit your girl drags you to, alright fine babygirl -_-

image

Me and my knucklehead friend Kevin got out of August: Osage County and I was like, I need to cleanse my soul (Sidenote: Meryl Streep crushed that shit. See it. She’s racking up Oscars like Jordan got Championship rings. She gonna have to make a necklace out of them shits to keep track). I hit up that Yelp. St. Anne Catholic Community Church. 3 ½ stars. Yelpers were like, very welcoming, but bridal parties don’t get enough time to take pictures after the service. Ok, just gotta not be at a wedding and we’re coo. Whatever, done. Ready to wreck it Kev. Kevin was like “I’m not showing up at this church without sportin some fresh sins dog. Let’s hit up this black lesbian bar I know and wild out”. Let’s do work Kev.

image


That black lesbian bar in question is of course Little J’s (yeah ya’ll I’m still in H Town. Damn they got black lesbians in H town!). This place is like a old saloon that got turned into a haunted house that got turned into a bar. DJ locking it down with jams from something out of a Bill Bellamy movie. This is black lesbian heaven ya’ll. I’m on the dance floor cutting it up, spilling vodka redbull all over my fresh pair of boat shoes. I gotta slow down or I’m gonna show up twisted to this Catholic Church with stained kicks.

image

So I walked up to that bar to get a beer and I see some fine slick dude. Yo, he stood out like a sore thumb at a black lesbian bar. He said his name was Jo Jo and I was like “I didn’t ask”. I was playing it cool ya’ll, if you saw what I’d seen you’d know why. He was built like a Bugatti and looked like he could fuck like a stallion in heat. Look, I’m not gay, that’s why I’m at this black lesbian bar, but id suck that Jo Jo dick. “Damn, you a slick Ryan Gosling dude who should be in a stable getting yo mame worked”. He was like “Your use of horse imagery is vivid and I want to buy you a drink”. Then we shared a Tecate and tore up that dance floor. We were going so hard I got a leg cramp and almost got trampled by some skeezos doing the dougie. Jo Jo straight up caught me on some hold-me-closer-tiny-dancer-they-shoot-horses tip.

  

I was in a trance till Kevin nudged me and was like, time to go to church dog. “Sorry, oh this is Jo Jo”. “Yeah I know, you introduced him like twice”. Then we bounced, but not before some freak named Faren slipped my boy Jo Jo her number on a Verizon Wireless plan guide. Damn, this girl was desperate to get those digits down, you know there ain’t a Verizon wireless within walking distance. I was like Kevin this ain’t no black lesbian bar, this is a freak meet wild west style and you being insensitive. Kevin was like “fresh sins yo, now let’s hit that damn church and ask Jesus for forgiveness”.  

image

I’m not going to sugar coat it ya’ll we showed up halfway through mass twisted during a motherfuckin christening. Kevin and I must of thought we was some pharaohs ready to proclaim a boy king prince cause we were asking that family to raise that little nugget up to the gods on some Lion King shit. Thank god mass was half way over cause we were not welcomed at all like Yelp promised us.

image

We chucked the deuces after communion, yeah giving no fucks. At least we got fed out of this Kevin! And guess whose impala was stuntin outside the church? That’s right, my boy Jo Jo looking as clean as those dubs. I was like “Jo Jo, how did you find me?” . He was like “When you went to put in your number in my phone, you put in the address of this church”. This is damn fate my sweet Jo Jo. I checked that time to see if the ball had dropped. It wasn’t even 10 ya’ll. New Years Eve and me and my knucklehead friend Kevin wildin out at a black lesbian bar that’s actually a freak meet followed by an after party at a damn Catholic Church. This the only way to close out 2013.

 

26

Dec

Zone D’Erotica

image

Look ya’ll, I’ve prided myself on having never returned a Christmas gift. When I was a little nugget and that N64 broke and you wanted to play you better hope Goldeneye was on TNT, cause that was the only way you were gonna be Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. Yeah, it don’t matter that it was years since that Christmas when you got an N64 and now its motherfuckin May. Christmas presents are sacred, you don’t return that shit ever. But like Jesus said, “there’s a first time for everything…I just made water into damn wine.”

image

That’s why I’m returning a dildo I bought from Zone D’Erotica which I gave to my babygirl for Christmas. For those who don’t know Zone D’Erotica is an adult store with more than 22 locations in Texas and Florida (Damn, they got the freak market on lock in the south). Yeah, I’m still in H town signing checks at Luby’s with feather quills. I expressed mailed that shit last week and what comes back to me the eve of Christmas Eve, that dildo. Wow United States Postal Service, ya’ll working over time for them return to senders. I hit up my girl on FB chat.

Me: “you just re-gifted the dildo I gave you for Christmas, before Christmas!?”

Babygirl: “No! I sent that back to you to return. You know I wanted that Dragonfly Pendant from Macy’s on sale for $99.99, regular price $290.00.”

image

Me: “I picked out that Brad sized dildo, 5.5 inches of ecstasy babygirl and the average size of most male penises. That ruler don’t lie.”

Babygirl: “I didn’t ask for a census you rude…”

Damn ya’ll, she didn’t put a comma between census and you, I gotta make this right and return that modestly sized dildo back to Zone D’Erotica.

Décor

 It’s just a fact ya’ll there’s no sex shop on planet earth that looks “nice”, but yo Zone D’Erotica is the Tommy Bahamma of sex shops. Classy and a place for dad’s to jerk off in fitting rooms. Don’t get it twisted, that façade can be misleading. They got security bars on the windows and that sign hasn’t been changed in fifteen years. Yeah, it’s like somebody had a gangbang at a Pizza Hut and left some party supplies behind ;)  You step in though and it’s like “oh, this isn’t so bad”, shit looks gorgeous.

image

Service

Alright look, I don’t deal with confrontation and returning a dildo is all about that. So look, I rolled up with my boy kevin and told him to return this dildo while I chilled in the Zone D’Erotica parking lot. He a rain man type computer wiz who never backs down. Straight up, I’ve seen this dude make tweets show up through motherfuckin Facebook.  Yeah, I sicked the dogs on these fools, while I chilled in that Honda Accord like a damn Don. 23 minutes later Kevin comes back to the car and is like “they’ll only give half credit for it. So I got that and a $25 gift card”. And I was like “oh damn, and you talked them into giving up a gift card, you a warrior Kevin” and he was like “nah, this is for my girlie”. Oh alright, two birds with one stoooooone.

image

Dillards

I was on cloud nine ya’ll. Time to use that return money to buy my babygirl a gift for real. Of course we hit up motherfuckin Dillards. That’s the only place to spend up that half credit money. I dropped that $17 on a perfume you gotta google to translate. Yeah, have my babygirl feeling like Marie Antoinette. Kevin, we did work today. Time to celebrate the only way we know how.

image

Chick-fil-a

That’s right, me and my boy Kevin picked up some shooters from the nearest liquor store and headed over to feast on some fried ass birds and waffle fries the size of Belgium, vodka shooters all up in that styrafoam cup. This wouldn’t be a Brad in Bed post if it didn’t end in feasting and drinking inside a Chick-Fil-a. That’s right, we didn’t even go through that drive-through. Just me and my knucklehead friend Kevin wildin out at Chick-Fil-a on the eve of Christmas Eve.          

image

19

Dec

image

I must be on a damn world tour, cause I’m waking up in cities where you gotta read the “welcome to” sign to know where you at. Yeah, that skyline ain’t discernible. Houston, Texas!?!? This is the type of place you could get a ribeye steak and a dick suck at the same Home Depot, and I have. 2005 was crazy! No Instagram for that shit #myspace #Dellcomputers #8thgrade. It’s the holidays ya’ll, I’m buying mad presents and this is the only place to do it. You know what they call a mall here. A fucking Galleria. That’s latin or whatever for big ass mall. That shit is so big you got two Starbucks up in that bitch. Thank god they got Boston Market in this state, cause after all that shopping I’m looking to get on a feast fit for a rich hobo.

 image

Look, Boston Market is a terrible hell hole of a place, but their food is delicious. It’s like if your moms made Easter dinner, left whatever wasn’t eaten out for like 3 or 5 hours, refrigerated it, it got left out again (dad was doing some late night nibbling again -_-), re-refrigerated it, moved it to the freezer then served it to you two months later. Damn, my mouth is watering ya’ll.

 image

Décor

I don’t think I’ve ever walked into a new Boston Market. That shit just doesn’t exist. They build that shit looking like it’s already several years old. You playing hard to get Boston Market and it’s sexy as fuuuck. I’m straight getting a semi while writing this ya’ll. To add to the atmosphere of a garage-that-for-some-reason-sells-rotisserie-chickens Boston Market never exceeds ten to twelve people, and you know I’m including staff too. Whenever you go through this joint there’s three Boston Market employees behind the counter, some old couple having their last meal before completing a suicide pact and a crazy ass family feasting like hood rich kings. Damn, they got mesquite chicken on top of BBQ on top of regular, no coupons. Everyone up in here is some brave gladiator types ya’ll.

 image

Service

It ain’t a Boston Market experience without a really scared white teenage girl with braces getting your order. She’s straight up got calculus homework and she’s at what use to be a-pretty-well-kept-hardware-store taking my order for one and a half rotisseries, mash potatoes with gravy and a bag of cornbread. No count on that cornbread, you throw that shit in till the opening ain’t foldable. But yeah, I don’t even know if that’s a combo. And she’s like did you want string beans. Nah, not at all. Yeah, this girls inattentive, but its like every time she re-questions your order its like your conscious is saying, what are you doing eating at Boston Market, and you just gotta be like, you know if you add some salt to the gravy it works, chill conscious.

image

 

Feast

I’m gonna be honest ya’ll, I was ready to get on this shit, no foreplay *gasp*. I took my meal and laid that bitch out at the nearest table facing a column. Yeah, it’s the handicap table. Yo, I wasn’t made for this setting, and that hood rich family could smell my fear like a pack of wolves getting fed at a Boston Market. The dad was like “come sit with us”, The mom was like “yes, come sit” and I was like “are you talking to me?”. Of course they was, you know that old couple finished their meal, and is driving that ford Impala to the nearest bridge to jump off of together. So we broke bread, delicious ass corn bread. We laughed, we cried and killed those rotisserie chickens. Finally the dad said “What a beautiful chance encounter? My prettiest daughter is getting married, would you do the honor of walking her down the aisle?”. Damn, looks like I’m going to a wedding.

image

 

The Wedding

Wow, I got a really affordable suit at the last minute and I’m walking this hood rich family’s chicken head daughter I met once at a Boston Market down the aisle, giving her away for holy matrimony. It was a real tasteful service for the joining of two souls. I’m at the reception eating velvet cake and passing on envelopes of money to said chicken head on some Godfather shit.

 image

 I woke up the next day at the Marriott in Mom and Dad’s bed wearing only socks and holding a camcorder. Yeah, I’m talking about one of those handhelds from like 97’. I was really free with this freak ass couple, but there’s always trouble in paradise. I was putting on my slacks and the dad was like “did you hang your slacks up before going to bed?” and I was like “nah dad, I was snapchatting while we were group showering with your wife at this Marriott”. Then he was like “you never take care of nice things, especially those slacks”. Then I was like “oh you mean like walking your prettiest daughter down the aisle”.  Yeah, I straight got the last word then bounced with one of the room keys like I was coming back to room 323 at the Marriott. Boston Market in Houston Texas is cray and I’m going back to bed ya’ll. Deuces.

image

                                

11

Dec

Latke Party

image

Hey ya’ll, I’m all about pancakes. I’m always whipping up some Aunt Jemima on a motherfuckin TUESDAY, for LUNCH. So when I got invited to a Latke Party, you know I’m all over that shit. A party just for pancakes, is you serious!? It’s like out of all the breakfast food, pancakes got its own prom, pulling up with six bitches deep, parking that limousine in a fire zone. Imma get out of my bed for that. Yeah, its made out of potatoes!

image

For those who don’t know I’m on vacayyy in San Francisco (damn, they got Jews here!) staying at my cousin Brandon’s brother’s house and Brandon ain’t even here. It’s rude, but I’m sippin and dippin on a trolley kid. Look, I don’t know much about the Jewish culture other than that bitch ass hoe Drake, but from what I’ve gathered Hanukkah is basically 2nd Thanksgiving, 8 days in a row. OH ALRIGHT. Better bring a bib to this shiiiiiiiit.

image

I rolled up half drunk having hit that next level Star Trek weed. They should of told me kids were going to be here cause this was basically a dinner party. Little nuggets running around while some dude is asking me what I do for a living. Nigga, I got my doctor degree online, I’m certified in Angola. I was about to split, but then I remembered someone is inviting me over to get fed. Yo, this Hebrew Pancake don’t play. I’m drizzling apple sauce and sour cream on that shit like a freak. And you know I’m only having that salty sweet combo at the movies. Popcorn garnished with Goobers, watching Star Trek: Into Darkness.

image

And then some lady was like “Do you want some Roze?”. Shit yo, I should of bought a ring beforehand cause I’m about to marry this chicken head.

Nah, ya’ll know I got a boo. matter fact she hit me up.

Babygirl: “where you at?”

Me: “At this Latke Party, wildin out.”

Babygirl: “ha, you crazy, isn’t Hanukkah from November 27th to December 5th this year of 2013. You know it’s December 7th”

Me: “Yeah, whatever, latkes are never out of season. Where you at?”

Babygirl: “I’m with my homegirls popping tags at Macy’s.”

Me: “I luh u babygirl. (dick pic attached)”

Babygirl: “Damn, your shit isn’t even hard in that pic, but I’d suck that old man dick right here in this cosmetics department”

Yeah, I straight up took an unflattering dick pic at this Latke party. And I took that shit in the master bathroom. Those marble tiles look sick as a back drop. Roze is the only type of wine that makes your un-hard dick look pretty at a Latke party. My joint was looking like a warrior, a flaccid ass warrior.

image

Now it’s a party. I’m knocking back roze, putting Pop That on loop. I didn’t even skip Drake’s verse, I must be twisted. For real though, shit had me speaking Yiddish. But hey, I can only go so hard on that Roze. It was like 11:37pm and I was fiending for that comfy ass guest bed. I straight up left without telling anyone, walking down the street still nursing some Roze. I should of put this shit in a Sippy cup. Instead I just stole a wine glass.

image

And you know I’m coming home to some Royal Dansk Danish Cookie Selection. Shit is like classy Nilla Wafers. Yeah, they all taste the same, but in a different way. Man, I’m in bed having dessert after just having had dessert.    

image

27

Nov

image

I’m not really crazy about straight fish ya’ll. If that shit ain’t fried, it ain’t going in my food hole. I mean, I’m all about that scrimp, but even that bitch is getting slathered in cocktail sauce like sun tan lotion on the first day of summer. Mmmm scrimps with they tops off straight tanning :) Something magical happens when you cut fish into tiny pieces and roll it into seaweed and rice or whatever. Call it magic, call it Asian wizadry, whatever. I’m all about sushi.

image

I’m also about deals. Crazy Rock’n Sushi has cheap ass sushi. Yo, this is some just-fell-off-the-truck-sushi it’s so cheap. They might as well be giving it away. Don’t get it twisted though, shit is top notch. 

It was one of those days where I was making deals like I was in a fucking poker match. Conference calls on the treadmill type situations. So, this was going to be a nice quiet night. Drinking a whole bottle of wine alone at my place in my bed while eating sushi.

image

For those who don’t know, Crazy Rock’n Sushi has a portion of their menu specifically titled 50% Off Sushi. Um, yes. They got this shit for like $4 or $5. Am I at Walmart right now with all these slashed prices!?!?! These rolls ain’t small either. I’m talking as thick as dollar coins. You could throw a couple of these in a sock and beat some dudes with it. I got off that treadmill, sweating, calves swole, ready to increase my sodium levels, Crazy Rock’n Sushi on speed dial kid.

“Hello, Crazy Rock’n Sushi”

“Yeah, I want that cheap motha’fuckin sushi. I’m talking 3 rolls deep.”

“Alright, cool.”

image

You should probably tell them what you want specifically. You know I’m hitting up that California roll, Salmon roll and big roll. For those who realize that the big roll is a very vague title for conveying what it is made up of, it consists of crab, avocado, scrimp (nice!), sweet egg, and sweet squash. I know, you’re like, squash is gross. But in this it’s not.

It’s done. Ready in like 15 minutes. No joke on that. Time it (I haven’t). They hand it to you when you walk through the door. You know I’m coming at peak hours too.

Décor

I’ll be honest, I’m not there very long to notice, that’s how fast that order is being put in my hand. At a glance though, it’s like a wild ass dojo with dining tables, if the dojo was connected to like a DMV. 

image

Service  

You got swarms of people rushing the hostess, all wanting that 50% off sushi. The hostess is just like “chill, you’re going to get fed”. They’re turning them out though, if it looks like your plate is done it’s getting snatched up and replaced by a bill. Get out! It’s always the same hostess there. This girl probably lives there. She’s probably got one of those dog collars that shocks you if you go too far. But yeah, she’s not allowed to ever leave. At least she’s got delicious sushi all around her. Actually, they probably pay her in sushi. Jealous.

image

Foreplay

You know I’ve been on that treadmill and haven’t showered. So I put them sexy ass rolls on ice (in the refrigerator), crack open that $4 bottle of wine I got at Bevmo! to let it breath, and jump in the shower. I’m taking my sweet time. I’m applying that Head and Shoulders like I’m in a Head and Shoulders commercial. That excessive hot water isn’t the only thing steaming up that bathroom ;) 

image

Feast

Normally after I shower and I know I’m going to be in my room for probably the next 18 hours I’m throwing on a busted ass t-shirt and some basketball shorts, but this shit is special. I didn’t buy $4 wine for nothing. I’m breaking out that one button up I’ve owned for the last like 7 years or if that’s not clean a polo, and some pants that aren’t quite slacks, but like business casual. I’m straight looking like Ryan Gosling from Crazy Stupid Love before the middle of Act II. You know, when he was porking all those girls. Scandal starring Kerry Washington is definitely getting thrown on through The Hulu. I’m drizzling soy sauce on these thick ass rolls while getting asked my advertisement preference. Damn, am I in a dream or something.                  

image

18

Nov

image

Look, I like my women like I like my sandwiches. Thick and with French Fries ;) Fat Sal knows this and specially made the Fat Buffalo for my tum tum. Damn, they even put the fries in that thick ass bird so I don’t have to use both my dumb hands to eat those two things at once. Oh wait, you like mozzerella sticks, that’s in there too. The Fat buffalo is essentially buffalo chicken cozied up next to said fried things drenched in buffallo sauce all on a slab of French bread. Mmm, Fat Sal was like “imma clean out this ma’fuckin kitchen for just this one Sandwich”.  This was made to be eaten in a bed.
Hey, if you’re eating this sober and/or haven’t cried shortly before hand this bitch ain’t for you. Your emotional stability has to be as untamed as that buffalo sauce.
Imma be real y’all, it was one of those nights where I was wildin out with some knuckleheads, dancing on my own like fucking Robyn. You know, just telling people to get a band aid or go to the hospital type of situations.
I woke up the next morning still drunk, not apologizing and ready to feast on something about the size of an overweight baby.

image

Decor

I’ve been watching a lot Gordon Ramsay’s  Kitchen Nightmares (U.S.) so I know what makes a good restaurant. Fat Sals nails it. It’s like your neighborhood deli but with like 3 TV screens and dumb hot rap joints locking down your ear. Damn! Straight up, they’ve got a basketball game playing while fucking Nascar is on. Dunks and shit while whips is killing it on the track.

image

Service                                                                                               

No contest. I always get this dude to cash me out with a weird ass stare. Yeah, I don’t know if he’s got astigmatism or he just doesn’t like his job, that’s not my fault. He’s definitely jealous I’m about to feast on this thick ass bird. Whatever kid, your break is in like an hour, talk to your scheduler. I guess he knows how the sausage is made. Sausage is delicious, have some respect. But he’s doing his job right. Let’s not play. This is a business transaction, I’m not here to follow you on Twitter, I’m at Fat Sals looking to feast. He’s keeping those social skills to a minimum like he should. Gordon Ramsey of Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmare (US) would be like “yeah, good”.

image

Foreplay

I like to delay getting my eat on, to intensify that food climax. When I finally get that Fat Buffalo up in me, damn. So after I got my sandwich I got my flu shot (everybody get your flu shot, don’t be that person who everybody is like “yeah he got me sick -_-“), that Fat Buffalo was straight teasing me, I wanted to unwrap it right there at the Walgreens Pharmacy like a freak.

image

Feast

Whenever I come home to eat pants is definitely coming off. For that Fat Buffalo, I’m in just my boxers yo. It’s to avoid staining all my hot gear, buffalo sauce is going to be flying (investing in a bib is not required but highly recommended). also it’s just comfy. I’m laying in bed watching Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares (U.S.) on The Netflix  and munching away. Shit is bliss.

image

Decor 10/10 TVs playing all types of sports

Service 9/10 weird stare from guy who just wants to eat my sandwich                                       

Flu shot 6/10 why isn’t there a pill for this

Compatible for eating in a bed 8/10 you could make a slip and slide with all that buffalo sauce